Hey kids, still working on a project here. That and waching Clint Eastwood movies (the old westerns, not that "Dirty Harry" crap...) seems to be on the schedule today. And not to sound too prissy, but I seem to be sporting a nasty case of ennui today. That and maybe a little bit of whooping cough (and while that might seem a bit of my absurdist-type humor, unfortunately I think it's actually true...) not that any of you asked.
But to make it up to you, I'll include a little somethin' I did a while back. It's been a while since you were all forced to endure some impromptu literary goodness so here's making up for it...
"All I'm saying is that the only people I know who own either accordions or ventriloquist dummies are white people."
It had been the first clear statement from Charles who was currently lying face down next to a half-eaten plate of hasbrowns and eggs covered in ketchup.He'd insisted on going out to get breakfast after the bars closed and promptly passed out after his food arrived.The others had slowly bled away after the first hour until only me and Katherine were left with Charles.I had been just to the point where I was wondering if this could be considered a date when Charles broke his silence.
"What?"
"You heard me, accordions and dummies.Only white people, rich white old people own those.And that's why anyone who has one is a fucker."
Katherine giggled softly.I kinda wished he'd just go back to sleep.
"Who ate my hashbrowns?"
"You did, Charles."
"Bullshit.If I ate that much I wouldn't be hungry.Who ate my hasbrowns?"
"Charles, no one else would touch them with as much ketchup you put on them."
"I bet it was you."
"I didn't eat your hashbrowns."
"Asshole."
Katherine was barely able to breathe she was laughing so hard.
"I bet you own a dummy, don't you?"
"Shut up, Charles."
"I bet you can talk without moving your lips, you bastard.Katherine, look at him, are his lips moving?"
Katherine kept laughing.Charles' head didn't move.
"That's what I thought, you voice-throwing jackass.You owe $2.85 for the hashbrowns you ate."
Me and Katherine were having such a nice conversation.She was telling me about her hopes and dreams and all of that proto-date kinda stuff.We were giggling and giddy and I was funny and charming and she was welcoming and alluring and best of all inviting.
"I have to piss.You better come up with my money by the time I get back."
Charles got up uneasily and bounced like a pinball between the tables on his way to the bathroom.
"I’m sorry about that."
Katherine was still stifling laughter."Oh it's fine.He's hilarious.Is he always like that?"
"Sometimes.It's hard to say.He usually finds a new and exciting way to be obnoxious each time.Sometimes it's worse than others."
So I'm at home hanging with the Devil Pups and trying to get some writing together. On top of that watching the Cards take on the Giants (and for the record, Pujols is a freak...) and work on two separate projects. Yikes. Anyway, it's hot and sticky today, it's lightning outside and threatening to rain but it's a distant bark, no cold noses or wagging tails yet.
And that brings us back to the Devil Pups. Virgil is curled up like a little ball below the television and Bea is sprawled across the back hallway and it takes me a second to realize I'm in a moment. This will be one of those random instants that I'll remember when I'm in a wheelchair wearing a diaper and wondering why Walter Mondale isn't on the television anymore. And that thought is strangely comforting. This memory isn't great, but it's pretty alright.
Maybe two Cokes should be my limit. I tend to get a little philoso-poetical after three...
It's official, get a mention on Joe-Mammy.com and great things happen. Most recent example: an obscure Finnish band gets a little nod on the blog-o-rama and is suddenly swept up by minions of adoring Europeans swayed by the wisdom from Joe-Mammy.com and crowned them next ABBA.
John Lurie appears on Joe-Mammy.com, has an art opening and his "Bear Surprise" becomes an internet phenomenon. Kari Byron becomes an internet darling with an expanding role on "Mythbusters" and a charming little FHM spread. Bruce Campbell continues to be Bruce Campbell ('nuff said) Yessiree, Joe-Mammy.com is your albatross.
Only time will tell what wonders still await the enigmatic Mike Roe, the lyrical Linford Detweiler or the right decent Kari Wahlgren, but if past results are any indicator, well, global domination may not be overstating it.
I just ran across an interesting tidbit, Joe-Mammy.com alum Kari Byron is featured in this month's FHM magazine. Here's a charming little video about the whole thing. If you want to check out the original interview with Kari (or any of our other wonderful guests, most recently Kari Wahlgren...) drop by the Features page and enjoy.
Let's recap my vacation: Number of years on the proverbial birthday cake: 30 Number of weddings I attended on my birthday: 1 Excuses I have now for not remembering the anniversary for said wedding: 0 Percent chance I'm screwed trying to remember it at least once: 100 (sorry in advance Dust and Kari...) Number of nights I got a little inebriated in the last three days: 2 Number of nights I've been a little inebriated in the last three years: 2 Number of pictures my camera can take: 130 or so Number of pictures actually taken on trip: 0 Number of dogs:2 Number of ticks recovered from Virgil: 21 Number of ticks recovered from Bea: 0 Nightmares I had about this guy (Creepy Furniture Commercial on Transbuddha): 1 Number of misnomers in the title of the film "Voodoo Black Exorcist": 2 1/2 Number of other people I've actually convinced to watch "Voodoo Black Exorcist": 3 Number of people who said they'll sit and watch it "someday": 5 Number of them I believe: 1 (give or take) Items in this list: 17 Items in this list now: 18 Amount the previous two lines amused me: more than it should have
Ah, statistics. Let's do a pie chart or something.
I made it another year without managing to get myself killed. In case the last post didn't make it clear, I'm old now. So stay the hell off my lawn or I'll call yer parents ya damn ruffians.
I'm currently on a bit of vacation (which is good) fighting off a chest ailment (not so much with the good) and happened to be in the right place at the right time for this lovely scene: Ok, maybe not this exact scene, but the rough equivalent in this crazy world called "reality." Congrats Dustin and Kari (--not to be confused with the fetching Kari Wahlgren who didn't get married as far as I know, but did do a kickin' little Feature a short while back...) Send 'em some love at their respective blog corners here and here.
And now I'm going to take my sick ass to bed and hope the morning makes it all better.
Of course, you know, I'm sure the time I spent doing the test on a less-than-official online IQ test, probably might act towards contradicting that whole "brilliance" thing. But I'm really smart, and, um, cool and stuff...
Why don't you just go check out the Feature with Kari Wahlgren while you're all impressed with me and my unofficially massive intellect.
Well, without further ado, I'm pleased to announce the latest Feature with Kari Wahlgren has been posted. It's better for your teeth than fluoride! Joe-Mammy.com, bringing healthy smiles to kids since 2004.
