Joe Mammy's Blog-o-Rama

Sunday, June 26, 2005

12:39 AM
courtesy of... Joe

Greetings from the Jungle of Joe

Well, in case any of you were interested, ol' Joe finally managed to get the movie review page updated (in case you were really, really curious about what I had to say about "Son of the Mask") Caught "Land of the Dead" tonight and it was a hoot. For the folks wanting to think about their films, consider what the reverse of "Night of the Living Dead" would have looked like...

Yeah, I know, I'm all provocative and stuff...

-Joe

(10) contendors to the crown

Thursday, June 23, 2005

10:27 PM
courtesy of... Joe

Impromptu goodness ala Joe

I've been writing a lot lately (although no where nearly enough) and realized the output has largely missed all of you. So, here's a little of the infamous impromptu Joe fiction.

"You can sit over here if you'd like."

I looked over to the bench. She was striking to say the least--long raven hair, toned and quite obviously too young to be offering for any reason other than pity. A toddler crawled up next to her and flopped down on her lap looking up, making an attempt to regain the attention that had been diverted from him.

"No, thank you. I'm quite alright here," I said, trying to shift against the wall I had propped myself against.

"C'mon, Cash won't bite."

"Is that his name?"

"Yes. I'm Monica."

"Well, thank you Monica, but I think he's not quick to give up his mother's attention that easily."

"Me? No," she laughed. "I'm his aunt. No kids here."

"Ah, well--"

"Standing there has to be so uncomfortable. You've been there, what, twenty minutes already?"

"Well, me and children don't get along well. Besides whoever named him either loves money or country music and I should be kept away from such a child."

She laughed. "Now come on, what can you possibly have against children?"

"It's not so much children as social awkwardness. If the kid hates me we'll both know it right away, but being too polite we'll both sit and try to ignore him screaming bloody murder to save face with each other. When it finally gets to the point where it can no longer be bared one of us will have to come up with a lame, clearly false reason to excuse themselves and then wait in the wings until one of us can leave."

"You've certainly thought about this."

"I've seen it play out too many times. I try to learn from my mistakes."

"Well, that's very noble and learned of you, but I'm afraid I'm too young and too silly to simply accept defeat that easily."

"So where does that leave us?"

"It leaves me bothering you to sit down until you either do what I ask or until it becomes so embarrassing that you fall to your escape plan for dealing with unruly children."

"So you're an unruly child?"

"Ah-ha. Touche. Very nice turnabout."

"Well, they say it's fair play."

"So who do I say verbally out maneuvered me when I retell the story?"

"Me? Oh, um, Carl."

"Well hello then, Carl. I'm November."

"Like in the month?"

"Yes."

"What's your last name?"

"Why, do you know another November that you'd confuse with me?"

"Um, no."

"Then don't you figure that November is probably all the identification you need? If you think you see me and call out 'Hey, November!' there aren't many people who would turn around and think you were talking to them, are there?"

"I suppose not."

"So?"

"...So?"

"Are you going to sit down or not?"

I sighed. I should be grateful that a young attractive woman would greet me, let alone harass me to sit by her. I glanced her over. No wedding ring. Maybe she really is this desperate. I folded my paper and took a seat by her.

"Now that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Well, haven't had much time for anything to go wrong yet, have me?"

Cash peaked from beneath his aunt's resting arm, distrustfully examining me for a sign of menace. November patted him on the head and pointed at me.

"Cash, this is Carl. He'll be sitting with us for a little while. Can you say hi?"

Cash stared at me, wide blue eyes studying me intently as he slowly moved away from me, trying to wedge himself between the bench and his aunt.

"Well, that's not very polite, Cash. I'm sorry, he's usually not like this. Usually he'll walk up to just about anyone."

"Well, everyone has their shy days, I guess," I offered limply.

November was more concerned in trying to coax the child out, like someone trying to lure the groundhog out in hopes that it wasn't too late to save spring. "C'mon Cash. You don't have to hide."

I sat, trying to seem politely interested, but as her attention remained on the child I quietly unfolded my paper and pretended to have found what I was looking for. I felt inclined to at least make a passing attempt to flirt with her. No because I thought it was a great idea or because I thought she had one iota of interest, but mainly because I saw how I'd tell Brett about the whole thing--how a very attractive girl was flirting with me and asked me to sit with her. And then he'd inevitably ask if I made a move and then I'd just sigh, my smile would instantaneously change into a forced grin and I'd explain all the reasons I didn't without actually saying I hadn't.

I looked over at her. She was still busy with Cash who had come out of hiding and was now being tickled by her. She glanced up at me and gave a little smile but paid me no mind as Cash thrashed with little giggles on her lap. Cash looked up at me and I gave him an obligatory small child wave--you know, the one where you make little waves by bending your hand at the knuckles instead of actually waving.

Cash suddenly leapt over November's lap and on me, giving me little playful slaps to my upper arm. I was surprised and almost swatted him away, but caught myself and gave a fake chuckle instead. November looked at me, a wide grin on her face.

"See, he likes you. This wasn't so bad, was it?"

And then Cash flopped into my lap and blew snot bubbles into my pants.

November hadn't noticed because her boyfriend had appeared and she was busy giving him a greeting hug. Cash looked up at me with a little snort as the yellowish mucus clotted above his lip and grinned.

I thought to myself: Enjoy it while you can. Thirty years from now you'll be me. See who's laughing then...

-Joe