Well, it's been one of those weekends. Cards swept the Pirates which is always nice, but other than that, well, let me just say this:
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2

Yeah. I deserve your pity.

That and thanks to a certain freight carrier (*cough* DHL *cough*) who lied to me and screwed my entire day thanks to a non-existent package pick-up, my weekend has been totally thrown for a loop. So, no work done on any new tracks (although still have a couple in early stages and a couple more bouncing around in the old noodle...) and nothing on writing (although I'm starting to postulate another Parson Wheeler story... how terrible is that?) I think the first part of Softer, Shallow will probably be done this week and hopefully be on-line a week or so after that.

Let me just say that going through your own early work can be a deeply humbling experience. I never realized A) how mind-numbingly horrible my grasp of grammar was and B) what a total candy-ass my protagonist was. Needless to say I'm doing a lot of head-shaking and rewriting sentences as well as bulking her up a little bit so she's not just some noodling bimbo. But it's good. I still think it's an interesting enough idea to pursue (and if not, well, I guess you all will have to suffer along with me...) and hopefully this time around it'll be more fully rounded.

As for the next Feature, wish I knew what to tell you. I got the go-ahead a while back, sent the questions in and then... nothing. Don't know if/when I'm getting them back, but here's hoping--it should be a good time. We'll see later tonight what, if anything, gets done. I'm getting more and more tempted to do that Wheeler story as time goes by. It's always a little fun to let your inner horrible little old man run free a bit.

And in the news... or for what passes for news:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0827041_Paris_Hilton_1.html
I quote in part:

[W]e've now unfortunately learned that this dopey Paris Hilton not only is
seeking to trademark her name (so she can slap it on everything from footwear
and kitchen utensils to shot glasses and essential oils), but the 23-year-old
heirhead actually has her own logo.

Ok, let's look past the fact that the brilliant, funny, insightful and life changing book All Things Right and Beautiful has yet to find a publisher, while Paris' "memoirs" are set to be released sometime in the near future, a logo? A freaking logo? I guess if her, ahem, "video career" has shown anything it's that like most businesses, if you've got money she's, um, open. But this was stupid when Prince did it and the fact it's being done by an anorexic rich white girl whose resume, to date, solely includes her ability to barely land a GED and get fired from Fox Network sponsored jobs on her little television show takes it off the stupid chart and firmly into Michael Jackson loonball land.

Now, it gets better. Said logo is a little tiara with a "P" on it. Now I'm no reactionary, but if she can do that, I say we can bring back the guillotine in case she should happen to utter the phrase "let them eat cake." And then that brings us to the whole trademarking of the name. Maybe I don't travel in the right circles, but if I had even a roll of toilet paper with the "Paris Hilton" trademark on it I'd feel compelled to burn it on sheer principle. This is the same girl who "lost" her dog by having relatives dogsit the little beast and then forgot what she had done with it. We should skip all this trademark nonsense and seriously be concerned about Paris ever having children. "Ohmigosh, where's little Billy? Call the FBI! Little Billy is gone!" "Um, Paris, Billy is at summer camp this week." "Call the FBI! Billy's been kidnapped to summer camp!"

Yeah. I don't know why we all wouldn't want to sport stuff with "Paris Hilton" written on it. You see, stuff like this is why other countries hate us. When arguably is she chose to run (and certain constitutional difficulties were circumvented) she'd be the most viable third party candidate for president of this country. If you were French, would you feel better about us?

-Joe

I stole this.

I'm man enough to admit it, too.

I'm not proud of it (the stealing, that is) but I think it's a decently interesting mass e-mail forward bit of silliness/diversion. You should try it yourself. Come my happy diaper minions, take the "Life Soundtrack Challenge."

In case you haven't seen it, it's an attempt to come up with, well, songs that you would use or recall specifically for certain times/events/etc. Tis neat and it's been a long while since I posted a song list up here, so here goes:

Opening song: "Walkie Talkie" DJ Shadow
Waking up: " Why Does the Sun Shine?" They Might Be Giants
First date: "Plainsong" the Cure
First kiss: "Apocalypse Lips" Michael Knott
Falling in love:
(Early) "Let it Be" the Beatles
(Later) "Intolerance" Tool (no... I'm not bitter or anything...)
Seeing an old love: "B.P.D." Over the Rhine
Heartbreak: "Untouchable Face" Ani DiFranco, "Somebody Kill Me" Adam Sandler (from The Wedding Singer)
Driving fast: "Fixed Income" DJ Shadow (more of a groove thing) or "I Wanna Be Sedated" the Ramones (for, you know, just drivin' fast...)
Getting ready to go out: "Building Steam with a Grain of Salt" DJ Shadow
Partying with friends: "Brand New, You're Retro" Tricky
Dancing at a club: "O Fortuna" (cuz it's gotta be the end of the world...)
Flirting: "Hey Ladies" Beastie Boys
Walking alone in the rain: Track 3 (SAW V2) Aphex Twin, "Possession" (piano version) Sarah McLachlan
Going Home: Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd (entire album)
Missing someone: "Jimmy" the Lost Dogs
Playing in the ocean: "Five Feet High and Rising" Johnny Cash
Summer vacation: "Nobody's Fault But Mine" 77's
Fighting with someone: "Liar" Rollins Band or "Last" Nine Inch Nails
Acting goofy with friends: "Head Like a Hole" Devo
Traveling: Any Dylan before, say, '73
Thinking back: "Track One" from ( ) by Sigur Ros
Feeling depressed: "Latter Days" Over the Rhine
Christmas time: "We Just Go Nuts at Christmas Time" They Might Be Giants ("Christmas at Ground Zero" by Weird Al being a close second...)
Falling asleep: "Harm of Will" Bjork
Closing song: "Dig" Adam Again

Hm. More DJ Shadow than I would've expected. I'm sure I'll want to tweak in time. Anyway, I gots to be goin'

-Joe

http://www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/Movies/08/17/film.freddy.reut/
sheer joy.

Okay, slothiness is done for the time being. You know, not the I mind people dropping by the ol' website of perpetual fluffiness, but sometimes I'm baffled about how they end up here. Check out this entry from the ol' stats page:
diaper photos year poop -sex -erotik -adult

Yup, they found us here at Joe-Mammy.com for their, um, diaper poop erotik photos. I feel dirty and yet deeply satisfied and amused all at the same time. All I can say is that the doors are open for all who would drop by Joe-Mammy.com (even assbags...) although I suspect our intrepid poop diaper seeker went home less than, um, well, let's just assume he went home, okay? And if not, welcome to the fold, Erotik Poop Man! Enjoy the site and its content, even if it is poop-free (and no one-liners about the fiction or review pages...)

The Happy Monkey Diaper Man compels you!

-Joe

Ahhhh, the joys of doing jack. Wait, that sounds weird.

Ahhhh, the joys of doing nothing.

After a period of absolutely driving myself pretty much every waking moment, I've just taken the last week or so to chill out, bust out the X-Box (you can play games on it as well as watching movies... who knew?) and take residence up on the couch. It's been nice. A little recharge time and time to undoubtedly gear up for the final push (or at least one of them) for lilies of the field.

Still working on the next feature. Waiting to get the questions back, so it's still not "official" but when they come in, I'll let the next luminary who graces ol' Joe's website out of the bag (not in a literal sense... that's illegal in this state...) Anyway, just wanted to check in and let you know I'm not neglecting my beloved army of devoted Mammyists, I'm just taking a little "me" time and giving it to my X-Box.

"Red Dead Revolver" pretty much rules, in case you were wondering...

-Joe

Well, I had a couple of days off and worked on one thing... sleep.

Must have a touch of something because I've slept a stooooopid amount of time in the last day and a half (and look to do more shortly...) So, that's the nice way of saying, not a dern thing has been done and I don't feel even a little bad about it. I would like to send out B-Day shouts to Woody Williams and James Marsters. I'm sure they both haunt the site regularly so they'll see it and appreciate it.

In an attempt from keeping this post from being exceptionally lame (instead of, say, marginally lame--or if you're using the governmental warning level that would be, um, bright neon orange alert...) I'll shall do something spontaneous:

You know, this is taking a ridiculously long time for something spontaneous. I'm actually finding myself proofreading instead of doing, um, spontaneous stuff. Perhaps that's why I'll never cliffdive or kiss a pretty girl who I've never met just do it (although I suspect in the latter case pepper spray, arrest on sexual assault charges and the inevitable appearance on The Smoking Gun would probably be alternately acceptable reasons...) or, I dunno, become a Kabbalahist and pick a fight with a Scientologist just to see if I can ultimately get Madonna and Tom Cruise to go at it.

See, there are some people who are impulsive, live by the seat of their pants, caught up in the moment kind of people. We call them morons. Or slobs. Depending on whether they're pretty or not. It's the difference between someone who'd stand on the railing of the Titanic ala Kate Winslet and proclaim "I'm flying" and those of us at a buffet table awed at the fact that it's all free. Different priorities, different realities. I like to think that I'm going to grow into my reality--curmudgeon is a semi-endearing term, right? Whereas the dangling off the side of the boat people are kinda screwed once they hit their mid thirties and start finding wrinkles, aches, pains and the free drinks come only after the guys in the bar are drunk. Very drunk.

But who am I to judge? Heck, if you're a pretty young thing that can live in good conscience like you're going to live forever, far be it from me to harsh your buzz. Trust me, you'll have age, death and taxes to do that for you.

As for me, I'm happy just to do my work and go about my business (or bid-nazz as I like to refer to it) get stuff done and feel like that if I do get a couple freebies along the line it's because I earned a couple karma points here and there. There is something inherently rewarding about life pretty much kicking your ass on a regular basis and coming through it just a little clearer and just a little meaner. Makes it feel like you've done something--lived a little even if you haven't danced until dawn with a beautiful girl or whatever crap they're trying to sell nowadays.

I guess it all comes down to this: memories are lovely, but gumption is useful. Hopefully they're not mutually exclusive.

So sayeth the Joe

Two quick things:

First, happy birthday to the baddest ass actor of all time, one Mr. Robert DeNiro. (Honestly, he's co-holder of the title with Clint Eastwood, but let's not argue semantics...)

Second, I think I've got the next Feature lined up. I'll let you all know more when it's official, but it's looking good so far.

-Joe

I kinda dig these productive weekends. It was pretty good, all in all--forgetting the two freaking hours I wasted in "The Princess Diaries 2." How is it that this sequel can be funded and released and everyone paid and yet the literary brilliance that is "All Things Right and Beautiful" has yet to be picked up? Tis a sad, sad world. Maybe if I looked like Anne Hathaway. Maybe if I just hooked up with Anne Hathaway. I'm single, after all. If you're reading this Anne, you could do worse. Maybe not a lot worse, but worse is still a possibility.

And maybe that's why I'm not suited for sales. Anyway.

Did some final tweaking and mixing and rerecording for "lilies of the field" and its associated tracks. It's starting to come together, kiddies. It'll be sweet, I tell ya. I also finished another remix of an Over the Rhine track. We'll see what they have to say about it (I e-mailed them a top-secret link) but when the NEP site gets tweaked a bit I'll probably throw it on there.

My new article has been submitted (along with a photo and brief bio--God have mercy on us all) to the Birdhouse. Seems that I might be attaining "regular" status up in the 'House, which is kinda rockin' in its own right.

New items have been added in the Store. Check 'em out. Good music, good books and good movies, what more can you ask for?

And in other newsiness: the Olympics have started. Once again the equestrian can weigh heavily on the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere (but especially in, say, America...) Seriously, who cares? The biggest story they could wrench from this go-round was Michael Phelps trying to be the best amateur swimmer since Mark Spitz.

Now I realize that sports seldom have meaningful implications for day to day life (when was the last time you had to hit an 88mph slider on your way to the copy machine?) but swimming? Equestrian? Table Tennis??? Might as well throw Yahtzee and lawn darts in while you're at it.

The Olympics was a novel idea for a Grover Cleveland (second time around) America and downright riveting during the Cold War, but now it just seems like a big block party where all the neighbors either don't care about each other or don't like each other. They're there to get their wieners and chips and then go home to watch TV. I guess if you're from Bulgaria beating out America or China or anyone for that matter is a big deal, but the Olympics hold our national imagination about as much as a PBS special on the history of grass (the lawn kind) in Poland. And why should it? The American "Dream Team" in basketball is more fun to watch because they're self-destructing and that's pretty much it. There is no great rivalry anymore and it consists of a bunch of second-tier sports when baseball season is in full swing and NFL preseason is starting. Not a tough choice--watch Pujols beat the living behoolies out of a baseball, a bunch of third string NFLers crunch it out for playing time or watch the international amateur handball finals?

I don't mind funding it. I'm not against having it. But seriously, do they expect me to care just because there's an American rowing team?

-Joe

Now as many of you have seen (and if you haven't, shame on you...) the good folks at Spinsanity.org dropped by and did a friendly Q&A for ol' Joe. Within a couple weeks Bryan lands himself on "The Daily Show" and the book is selling like hotcakes (pick yerself up a copy if you haven't already...). What's the moral here?

Joe-Mammy.com kicks happy monkey diaper ass.

Oh yes.

More to come...

My name is Joe, and I've approved this message...

Well, it's 5:30 am and I haven't done my reviews yet, or written anything for the Birdhouse (sorry Ray...) or walked the Devil Pups. If I hadn't just finished a new NEP track I'd feel like a lousy human being.

Yup, that's right, there are now 7 tracks for lilies of the field and it's shaping up to be a radically different album. Who'd a thunk it? Also, I finally did a little addition to the NEP site--if you check under "samples" you'll find a brand-spankin' new remix of the legendary mc chris' "Boys Don't Cry" by yours truly. It's about a schizophrenic as anything, so you'll probably either groove with it or hate it. Fine by me either way.

Also I've been working on a remix of an Over the Rhine track. Not going to say much about it yet other than it's crappy. You'll get that joke later...

Well, a bit more work before sleepy time. Or maybe I'll just watch "Kill Bill Vol. 2"

-Joe

To kick things off, I'd like to offer a special "how do ya do" to the poor souls who've wandered in from the Birdhouse. While Joe-Mammy.com isn't a site devoted to our beloved Cardinals, they do get mentioned on occassion. However there are all sorts of Features, bits of Fiction, Music and Movie Reviews to fill whatever void you may have. Most of it doesn't suck, either, so that's a plus, right? When you've fallen in love with us, check out the Store and support the website and many of our featured guests. Official Mammy-merch is in the works as well, so keep checking back for your very own bit of Joe-Mammy.com happiness.

And now, a haiku:
the summer swirls joy
happy monkey diaper man
joe mammy kicks ass

See? That's high culture right there. More NEP work, maybe some writing and other rockingness on the agenda...
Stay cool, kiddies...
-Joe

Well, here I am again, a little unsure of what I'm going to type, but it keeps it fresh, right?

Work continues on the new NEP track. I think I've got a handle on the lyrics and good 1/2-3/4 of the music done. Basically a matter of wrapping up, recording, fiddling around, and then shaking my head at how cheesy it is, then sleeping and upon waking re-listening and realizing that it's salvageable, but nowhere near done and the process more or less begins again. Whee.

Still no title for it, either, which is unusual for me. Usually I have a title about halfway through, but this one is kinda different--on a few levels. Hard to explain. Might make more sense to me when the stupid thing is actually done (hopefully).

This is not the token "boring" post, but I'd feel remiss to not mention the absofreakinlutely rocking interview with the boys from Spinsanity.org. It's a good interview from some guys who have really earned my respect from how they go about their work.

Of course, that's a theme for me. From Chris Null to Ray Mileur to Tess Wiley to Jamie Hyneman to storyteller extraordinaire Joe R Lansdale, it's been my pleasure to banter with briefly and then Q&A for Joe-Mammy.com with each one of them. To a person, I feel they truly show the value of a sense of humor, humility and working your ass off. I'm sure there are more on the way, but I still feel it's worth mentioning that I personally appreciate what they've contributed both to this website as well to world as a whole in their respective fields. Thanks guys.

I'm constantly working on getting new folks interested in doing a Feature and will continue to do so. At this point, however, I'm feeling stretched a little thin between trying to promote "All Things Right and Beautiful," continued work on "lilies of the field," pieces for the Birdhouse, the movie reviews, this lil' Blog thing as well as other minor writing projects. I ain't griping and I'm not canceling the Features section (lest you be paranoid) but it just may be a little longer between updates. But keep on checking back and send any requests or comments you may have. A little constructive feedback (for a lesson in how not to impress me, check the post and link previous...) is always appreciated.

On to the main topic. While I've been hyping the virtues of "All Things Right and Beautiful" I've been consistently putting off polishing my first novella, "Softer, Shallow." I think I've finally found a venue to make it worthwhile and plan to serialize it on the Fiction page. Read ol' Joe back when he was just a punk-ass kid trying to be all touchy feely. Ok, maybe not completely--it's been in serious need of editing and partial rewrites so I'll break it down one chapter/section at a time and fix it up and then post as the featured story. Call it an experiment in motivation.

I'm not going to tell you much about it, but I will give you the first line:
We still had a quarter tank of gas, or at least the gas gauge said we did.

-Joe

So, there was a gripe letter in the paper about my movie reviews. Or more to the point, that I didn't like "Fahrenheit 9/11" I know, boo-freakin-hoo. I guess some people prefer to be lied to if the lie is palatable (and that goes for folks on the Rush Limbaugh side of the fence, too...)

Of course, being the good little obsessive compulsive that I am, I checked out the guy. This individual, whose initials are Brian Nermyr, called me all sorts of nasty names and said unpleasant things. Here's his response. (link dead) Actually, I thought about doing a response letter, but was vetoed by the powers that be. Here it is:

Brian Nermyr it's good to hear from you. Thanks for your interest in the paper and in particular my column. It's a shame that you couldn't put together something a bit less condescending, but in fairness I'm sure your letter was written in the spur of the moment. You raised some interesting points and I felt that I should probably respond to a couple of them.

Now it may be a shock to you that I really don't much care if you agree with my review. That's the beauty of the whole thing: I'm entitled to my opinion and you yours and if you prefer the Washington Post or the LA Times, then that's just peachy by me. You can even think I'm a hack writer and you can say that I'm ignorant or biased because I don't check my mind at the door when I enter a theater, again, your prerogative. One thing I would ask, though: could you at least make sure you spell my name right? It's right at the top with that dashing picture. You got it most of the time, but you dropped that pesky "i" in there at least once.

I'd appreciate it. Thanks

Now, you said some pretty unpleasant things about me and I'm not one to push an issue but before you call me ignorant, perhaps just the briefest look into the "facts" may be in order. I suspect that you had no qualms about my drubbing of, say, "Catwoman" or "From Justin to Kelly" which, in all fairness, I made considerably less intelligent arguments about. But instead of responding to my arguments it seems it was easier to make spiteful comments because I didn't like it. Now I'm not about to delve into a partisan debate with you over the content of Michael Moore's little diatribe because, believe it or not, that was never the basis of my critique.

Let me reiterate: if you want to produce an extended political commercial, then fine, but don't call it a documentary. And as for me pointing out that Michael Moore, throughout his self-righteous polemic committed the exact same offenses for which he was castigating the Bush Administration--well that's exactly what my position is for--critiquing something on the basis of substance and vision. Perhaps you'd consider a meaningful review to be devoted solely to the cinematography and foley work? I'm kidding, of course, but the point remains that someone puts a film out there I'm not going to sit back and believe everything it says--whether it's "Fahrenheit 9/11" "The Passion of the Christ" or (God forbid) "Baby Geniuses 2." Perhaps that's Moore's influence on me rearing its head--just because it's on the screen put out by someone with a lot of money doesn't necessarily make it true.

Now if by questioning Moore's approach I somehow dared to oppose your political ideology than perhaps that should be what you bring to the forefront instead of questioning my attendance policy. I stand fully behind my review--Moore's gift for filmmaking was never questioned (or did you skip the whole first half of the review?) however any non-partisan source you check on "Fahrenheit 9/11" (I'd personally recommend Spinsanity.org) will quickly indicate that many of Moore's claims are "disingenuous" (which is polite speak for lying without actually lying). But perhaps it's easier to assume that "due diligence" was done when it's something you want to agree with instead of actually checking for yourself. Don't feel bad, it's a mistake people all over the political spectrum seem willing to make,

And finally, just because you don't like me is no reason to take it out on "Spider Man 2." What did Spidey ever do to you?

Thanks for reading, Mr. Nermyr.

Now, you see, that's how a decent human being would respond to a half-ass bunch of criticism. Of course, since I don't have to be diplomatic (cuz, you know, it's my site...) I can really say what I wanted to:
Brian Nermyr is an ***bag.

Now, when he Googles his name (let's face it, we all do it...) he can see it right alongside "***bag" and that makes me smile. I checked into him, and if it's the same guy, it seems Mr Nermyr is the frustrated filmmaker wannabe whose resume includes "industrial films for the Phoenix zoo." Now I've never made a movie and honestly, have no particular drive to do so, but to call someone a wannabe when your feature credits include something along the lines of "What's Up Mr. Wallaby?" or "Gotta Get Me Some Penguins" perhaps the person you're really angry with is the one looking you in the mirror. I guess I probably would've gotten the same response if I'd said "The Passion of the Christ" was stupid, but that of course raises the question of who ol' Brian prays to. I got no problem praying to a fat man for guidance--as long as it's the Buddha... or maybe Santa Claus.

Which brings me around to another point: check out the wonderful interview courtesy of the guys from Spinsanity.org. The wonderfully BS-free site that builds healthy bodies 12 ways. They won't call you nasty names if you disagree with them or insult your ability, they'll just sort through countless records to find how you're lying. And that's cool.

-Joe

PS- Brian, the word is "drivel" not "dribble." I know they sound similar but one little consonant can change a whole word. Thought you'd like to know...

The good folks at Spinsanity.org (or, as I like to call 'em, the Killer B's--Ben, Bryan and Brendan) sat down and swapped a little hot Q and A action with yours truly. The interview should be up later today, but in the meantime check out their website, buy their book and wait with eager anticipation for the latest luminaries to grace the halls of the Joe-Mammy.com Features Page...

-Joe

Well, here were are on the doorstep of another work week. At least for you poor suckers. I kid, of course.

It was a semi-busy weekend for me. Friday slept like crap so woke up late and decided to stay in and work on some odds 'n ends. Saturday caught "The Manchurian Candidate" and "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" and then worked at the ol' Chateau de Funk for a while and Sunday almost went to see "The Village" (sold out) so got some eats wit' da co-worker posse and then came home and watched the Cards slap the Giants around.

Of course in between there was the usual column for the Birdhouse and then some music writing. I think I'm the lion's share through a new track. Hopefully will have a demo/draft version of it ready to go in the next week or two. I might actually get that album done this year.

And hopefully you noticed the new "non lame blog" policy taking effect with some of this week's posts. They're fun and a quick and easy way for me to keep stuff sharp. This is pretty much the obligatory lame "weekend in review" post, so, you know, deal with it.

Theoretically there will be a new interview on the Features page, although I haven't gotten it back yet (they swore I'd have it by Sunday...) so we'll see how it goes. Hopefully by Tuesday it'll be up, otherwise shooting for a tad more mid week (ala Wed or Thurs...) so keep checking back. Should be a sweet interview. Check out the Store for related merch to our guests as well as my picks for things that rule.

That'll do it for me...
-Joe