Check this out. I know ol' Joe isn't usually one to post the random mass forwarded e-mail silliness here (heck, usually I don't even read it myself) but this one is purt' near classic. Read, enjoy, be fulfilled.

On other fronts, the Features should be up this weekend. Platypus Man swears upon his freshly laid eggs that it'll be up and everything will be peaches and robotic death monkeys. I'll also finish up the second interview for the features page this weekend and it should be up so you'll have not one but two, that's right TWO! interviews to greet the happy world with each morning.

Other than that, "Mean Girls" "Godsend" and "Laws of Attraction" are on tap which means two are probably going to suck--give you a hint, Bobby D is in the one that should be bearable. Hope to get a little more work on the lil' story I've been promising for a while and the classic Cubs vs Cards series is this weekend. Hopefully I'll have a good weekend and be able rave about how the Redbirds sent Corky and Co. packing, but knowing how things work out, I wouldn't hope for anything too jovial out of me anytime soon.

Tunes that rule--no matter what anyone else says:

Adam Again- Dig
Sixpence None the Richer- I've Been Waiting
OtR- Nobody Number One
Bass Kittens- Invader Zim Theme (Impending Doom Mix)
David Bowie- Major Tom
Wendy Carlos- Brandenburg Concerto #3 in G Maj
PJ Harvey- Down by the Water
Joey Ramone- What a Wonderful World
U2- All I Want is You
Jeff Beal- Monk's Theme
The Police- King of Pain
Poe- Angry Johnny

-Joe

So, yeah, not sure what's going on with the "Features" section yet. First interview is done and the second is being worked on even as we speak. Well, not really, since I'm the one "working" on it and at the moment I'm sending a little shout-out to you, my beloved peeps. In other words, sorry for the delay but I promise that I deeply hope it's worth it (how's that for a qualification?)

In other news, the short story is in temporary limbo (lack of time and the desire to spend a day or two in a very mellow place seem to have won out in the short term) but fear not, it is not forgotten nor is it shelved, on hiatus or any other euphemism for "not going to be worked on for a long time." I also got a zygote idea for a longer piece, possibly a screenplay, but we'll see. It's still in its developmental infancy, but its starting to draw together some other ideas/scenarios I've had for a while, so that's generally a pretty good sign that it will happen in one form or another. Yup, it's coming together all right.

What's not coming together at the moment is further work on lilies of the field primarily (or at least that's what I'm telling myself) due to the continued hardware issues I'm having. I will get crackin' on it again some time soon (May, June at the latest...) and with a number of tracks finished &/or roughly sketched out, it shouldn't be too long to have most of the thing done. I know, promises, promises, but I swear it's gonna happen. I wouldn't lie to you, baby. It was just a fling. She meant nothing to me, I swear it...

-Joe

Happy Day, Campers. Ranger Joe here to remind you to keep all campfires in designated areas, don't feed the bears and work sucks. If you keep these simple rules in mind you'll have an enjoyable soul-sucking time at your national parks and campgrounds. Ranger Joe would also like to point out that his beloved Cardinals are now a whopping 1-5 against the lowly Brewers (!?!) and the Avs are down 0-2 in their second round playoff series.

Ranger Joe is happy to give directions to the visitor's center and the Mammystone National Park Interpretive Center, even though he feels like he's going through the motions of an actual life in exchange for making payments and having to shave on a regular basis. However, don't count Ranger Joe out just yet, for his latest short-story is nearing the halfway point and, in spite of being dehumanized on a daily basis by a socio-economic machine designed to turn him into a credit score, he still rocks the mic. Ye-yeah. Uh. Funk it, baby. Uh.

Mammystone will soon feature, um, "Features" with the aforementioned interview with the one, the only Christopher Null as well as another interview with another person or persons regarding a topic near and dear to ol' Ranger Joe's heart. So remember to put out those campfires, discard trash in the specifically designated areas and Ranger Joe got da illest funk in da whole of da civilized world, ya'll. Word.

-Ranger Joe

When confronted with difficulty, the key is to realize that there is no adversary.

So things not going the way you want, eh? Life kicking you in the nads and then stealing your wallet, you say? Well, fear not, for Joe is here to explain away everything in a confusing and obtuse metaphor.

Let's say you have something in your sights and just when it looks like it's coming together for you, the floor falls out. The first reaction of most people is to try and analyze what's gone wrong, who's at fault, what situation could have been changed to make things work out, etc. etc. This is folly.

Now, some well meaning chap in the back row is likely to stand up and cry "But if we don't analyze our actions, we'll keep making the same mistakes over and over again!" At which point the Mammy Security Police will swoop down, pepper spray him and haul him out of the auditorium. Analyzing is not incorrect, however it all depends on motive. When you analyze in those situations you analyze them in hopes of changing them. There is no changing. That which has occurred cannot be undone. There is no "righting" a situation, only an attempt to return it to a former state.

There is only that which is. Things can be changed but never restored. You can never step into the same river twice, only a surface appearance can be reinstated. When you struggle you seldom fight things that are, but fight things that were--a battle which can never be won. You should confront what is with what can be--when you attempt to make changes based on what you've wanted in the past you are only setting the stage to fail.

Now, this is no excuse to live recklessly. Act rightly and wisely, but work to move forward. Do not be content to retrace your steps or look after that which is lost--if you find it, it will verily be tarnished, broken, and probably a lot smaller than you remember.

A parable:
There was a chimp named Steve who desperately wished he had been born a man. He sat melancholy while the other chimps frolicked and did chimp things. Steve saw people going about their business and saw them all wearing pants. He suddenly realized that if he were going to be treated as a man, he must look and act like a man.

Steven discarded all his chimp ways. He would no longer eat bugs off the other chimps or throw his feces. He used a couple of twigs as silverware and ate in a most dignified manner. He would walk about on his legs upright and even learned to say things like "excuse me" and "could you pass the salt." The biggest coup occurred when he managed to obtain a very smart pair of pants. He wore them proudly and decided he was ready to venture into the local village.

He proudly strode in and the villagers didn't make mention that he was a chimp. He lived among them, went to PTA meetings and sold insurance just like a normal. Years later, Steve fell ill and it was determined that there was no cure for his ailment. At his deathbed his neighbors were all around him and Steven confessed. "Dear friends, I've been living a lie, for I am no man, I am but a simple chimp."

The villagers looked around confused for a moment before one spoke up, "Steve, we always knew you were a chimp. We figured a talking monkey was a great tourist attraction so we let you stay here. By the way, you owe me $20 for the pants..."

Thus sprach Joe Mammy...

It's official kids, the first feature for the ever-wholesome and enriched with 19 vitamins and minerals website o' digestive well being (Joe-Mammy.com for those of you unclear on intestinal goodness...) should soon be done. I'll let the cat peak out of the bag. The first feature, um, features none other than the illustrious Christopher Null--head honcho and god-like entity of the eternally sunshiney Filmcritic.com.

That's right, ol' Joe e-mailed some questions to the good folks at Filmcritic.com and they were answered by the big guy himself. If you're looking for an entertaining and decidedly more comprehensive list of movie reviews, they've got it. Many of 'em with a similar brand of humor to what you've come to know, love and expect from Joe-Mammy.com. Should be a good start to a fun new arm of the great archipelago known as, well, I'm sure you know by now...

In other news, more work as actually gotten done (I poo you not!) on the latest short story. I'm probably at the 1/4 to 1/3 range with it--it gets easier from there, right? Who knows. But it's moving along, so hopefully soon I'll be talking about actually finishing the damn thing.

Any thoughts or suggestions for a feature, feel free to send a shout out and I'll see what I can do.

Who loves ya?
-Joe

Well, another weekend past, another weekend of little getting accomplished. Sorry guys. I did make a little headway on the story, but far, far too little headway. However, the KFKOD site is up and more or less running. (Special props, praises and firstborn children going out to Platypus Man) I've also managed to create more work for myself, which should be cool, just, you know, more stressful.

You'll soon see on the Mammy title page a section devoted to "Features" which is going include interviews with cool people (no, it won't be me talking to a sock puppet named Mr. Slappy) as well as other exclusive content (in a non-pornographic kind of way) and essays by yours truly. I've already got some sweet interviews lined-up and more goodies on the way. Even in your hour of doubt you can rest assured that Joe Mammy has not forgotten his flock of meandering yaks. So come out the great grazing fields that is Joe-Mammy.com and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

And Sarah Lancaster is scary hot. So let the record show...
-Joe

So I dropped more than a couple dollars on the big season baseball package. Now I'm realizing that many games that I actually want to see (like the one playing right now... Big Mac is back and I have to take their word for it...) aren't shown. In fact, they don't have a game on until Wednesday. In case the cable powers that be are reading this, I didn't get the package to watch, say, the Devil Rays or the Brewers. I want to see the Cards, the whole Cards and nothing but the freakin' Cards. It's always fun to realizing that you're paying for lots and lots of basball filler. Woo-freakin'-hoo.

Oh well, aside from my Cards withdrawals, I'm watching the Avs as we speak. Down 0-1. Of course the 3-1 series lead does add an "oh wel" factor to it. So it goes.

In either case, I do intend on getting some actual writing done this weekend. Maybe even today (dare I to dream on the wings of my own ambition?) but not now. Later. Maybe a lot later. But it's scheduled. Seriously.

It's been a while since I've done a Joe Approved song list. So here we go without further ado:

UNKLE- Eye for an Eye
Sarah McLachlan- Fallen (doesn't make me a sissy boy, does it?)
Starflyer 59- A Housewife Love Song
Over the Rhine- Let it Be
They Might Be Giants- Am I Awake?
The Mute Eunuchs- mister klezmer goes to paris
The Ramones- I Wanna Be Sedated
James Brown- Papa Don't Take No Mess
Ivy- Worry About You
Aleixa- Purge (anyone know what happened to Laurel? --Joe)
Lost Dogs- Smokescreen
Mike Knott- Apocalypse Lips
Astrud Gilberto- Goodbye Sadness

Avs tied it, Cards began their systematic whoop-ass of the Rocks. Ahhhh, if all Saturdays could be like this...

-Joe

So, once again I've managed to neglect my little on-line enclave of love and support, but fear not, for Joe has the whole flippin' weekend off. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen. Probably no music, but I can't say for certain. Maybe some writing, but again, it's far from a sure thing.

I'm pretty sure I'll be catching some baseball and hockey this weekend. Hopefully the Cards will stop giving me an ulcer and the Avs will merrily skip their way to the semis. Sports are a harsh, cold mistress if one is given to following any team in particular.

Kill Bill Vol 2 is out this weekend, so that pretty much rules. Catch that and maybe get a little truck tinkering done at the same time. Boy is my life boring. I'm sure I'll be able to fabricate something to sound cool for all y'all. If not I deeply hope that I'll be able to make the mundane amusing for a few paragraphs at a time. In either case the blog is 98% functional (woo-hoo!) and I'm going to bed. Hopefully between those two accomplishments I'll be able to do something a bit more substantive with the weekend.
Keep on a-truckin'

-Joe

(Truly, no--I do but jest.)

I say to you: Be kind to the animals, for they, too, have souls, which might be damned to eternal hellfire, should they be provoked, into eating you or parts of you, so sayeth the Creator.

And I say to you: Do not hold grudges against thy neighbor for his past transgressions, for one day you might wish to borrow from him his lawn mower.

And finally: If you look at the world and see only darkness, fear not, for the Lord shall guide you across the street, and down a man hole.

Amen.

who rocks the mic?

In my attempt to recreate the world in my own image--regardless of reality, I've decided to open the Joe-Mammy.com Zen academy. Of course the overhead is waaaaaay to expensive to actually open much of anything other than a fresh bag of cornnuts, so I'll just throw up my little snippets right here on the Blog of Universal Oneness. Enjoy...

The first step to complete Mammy-ness is to not want to be Mammy-like
When I woke up, say, five years ago (where all of this silliness really really began, but that's a story I'm likely going to avoid for a long time...) I didn't hop out of bed and say to myself "I'm going to be Joe Mammy and be the beacon for all that is funkariffic for entire generation." Nope, I probably wondered why I was awake at that particular moment instead of still being asleep. (It's a daily question, trust me...) And then wondered what purpose there was to me being awake. Then I'd think that maybe the question was moot because I was going back to sleep. Then I'd wonder why I couldn't back to sleep. Then I'd just get irritated and get out of bed, even though I was still tired and no real purpose in actually being conscious at that particular point in time (or for any foreseeable future, for that matter...) So how did it all come together, you ask? Because I didn't want it to come together.

You see, many times it's much more psychologically rewarding to suffer continuously against some sort of universal machination--especially if you think that at some point those around you will actually notice and be impressed by said suffering. While pro-ballplayers make the big money, no one is as loved as a martyr. But thing is, long-term self-induced suffering is like going on a hunger strike when no one cares or (better yet) no one knows. Sure there's a degree of self-congratulatory "check out my discipline" mentality at work, but in the end you're just hungry.

So, there I was, metaphorically hungry trying to stare down the bologna sandwich of life (and let's face it, life isn't gonna be one of those deli sandwiches with hand carved slow-roasted cured meats, it's gonna be the massed produced boring and compositionally suspect kinda sandwiches--bologna. Maybe even Spam. But I digress...) Thing is, no matter how long you stare you're going to lose because sandwiches don't have eyes. Absurd? Yes. Truthful? Trust me.

And one day there came a point where I just said "screw it" and took a nibble of sandwich. The world didn't end and no one thought less of me for it. And that's when it all starts. You still think of yourself as on a hunger strike, but you snack away. Soon you're eating full meals (granted, meals of bologna and white bread, but meals...) and then you look and realize you're nothing like the person you wanted to convince people you were. What's more you look back and realize, none of them really care either way.

So, where does that leave you? Who are you? You're not a martyr anymore. You're not some Dionysian hedonism freak, either. You're just someone. Maybe your name is Bill. Maybe your name is Trent. My name was Joe. It's the wonderfully banal process of becoming what you are. Extraordinary because there is no process per se, just a point in time where you can look back on and say that you kinda figured out what it was you were.

Sit my lil' wallabees and listen to a parable:
Once upon a time Phil went to his mother and said "I want to be President."
Phil's mom didn't say much, but nodded supportively.
Phil tried hard and did his best, but he couldn't become the president.
He went to his mom after that and said "I want to be a famous painter."
Again, mom didn't say much.
After Phil realized he wasn't particularly good at painting he thought he'd try and be a zookeeper.
His mother seemed to be tiring of these incessant attempts at different lives, but said nay a discouraging word.
Phil again fell short of his goal and decided that he could be happy doing the most menial of work. He could be a physical laborer and still feel like he had accomplished something.
Phil said to his mother "I'm going to be a lumberjack."
At which point his mother finally sighed and said, "Phil, you have your own special gifts in this life and you seem to be missing them all by wanting to be something you're not.
"What's more, you're a tree, so stop all this lumberjack talk and stand here quietly like the rest of us; you're upsetting the neighbors..."

Thus sprach Joe Mammy...

Holy crap. This weekend was a veritable cornucopia of ass-suckage. Hence the lack of updates. At this point I'm pretty much willing to say the Catholic Church is absolutely clueless for going against the whole birth control thing. Trust me, I'm pretty sure that the world won't be worse off if we end up having a few less folks running around. Anyway.

A little work was done of the grocery store story (like, two paragraphs... whoopety-doo...) but it's at least moving forward a bit. Hopefully I'll have a little time on my days off (and the motivation) to start getting a couple things wrapped up. Good Mr. Platypus Man was a busy little robotic death monkey this weekend and it looks like the KFKOD site will soon be up and running in a more functional kind of way. 'Tis a good thing.

Also, Cardinals sweep the Diamondbacks and the Avs have a 2-0 playoff lead. At least the rest of the world seemed to right itself over the weekend. Welp, as always, don't be afraid to give a shout out and hopefully I'll have something more substantive for all my filthy little earth pigs later in the week...

-Joe

It's Emma Caulfield's birthday today.

She's hot.

So's Amy Acker, as long as we're talking Whedon hotties.

Anyway.

Continued tweaking (in a non-chemical dependent kind of way, mind you) continues on the little site of perpetual joy and fluffiness. Soon you'll have a brand-spankin' new, never before seen (and probably poorly edited) short story courtesy of yours truly. A little ditty called A Friend Better Than You that illustrates why weepiness, narcissism and gasoline should never mix.

I'm still working on the grocery store story, too. Not sure when it will be done, but I'm pretty sure it'll be long before the Amish guy story gets done (for those of you keeping score). I finally tracked down the latest UNKLE disc as well as the new Sigur Ros EP. So far so good on both accounts, but I'm sure I'll have something more to add at a later point. In either case I figured I'd better pop in and let you know that just cuz I'm not around quite as much as usual, doesn't mean I don't love my turtle doves any less.
Out to ya...
-Joe

So it's nearly 5am and I'm chatting with Rex and a couple things have occurred to me:

1) The Cardinals are 0-2. To the Freaking Brewers. And it sucks.

2) Tech support with half wits is not worth the time. I won't name names, but here's a quickie version:

I have a piece of hardware that my system is not recognizing. Or only partially recognizing (it's supposed to load two drivers to operate it, but is only loading one) I've gone through all the troubleshooting steps and gone through a third party tech support who walked me through some other stuff. Finally I get to the point where I need to know when the drivers will load or be auto detected.

Now I'm worried about being misunderstood, so I restate my question three different ways to make sure I get my point across. So a couple days later I get a response e-mail from Mystery Company X and it's a cut and paste of their troubleshooting guide. I reply saying that I've done all of that and steps 4, 5, and 6 while I was at it, and it's not working, but all I need to know is what makes the drivers load or auto-detect kick in.

So, another day passes and I get another e-mail from tech support telling me to do steps 4, 5 and 6. Now the observant reader will notice that I specifically stated in the previous e-mail, that, in fact, those steps had already been taken and all I needed to know was the specific driver information I had requested not once, but now, twice. So I reply again, thanking them for the information, however redundant and stating again that I need to know what causes the drivers to load and when they are loaded (or any combination therein). This time the answer comes back within an hour. Their response:

"Yes."

Yes!?! The band? Did someone ask tech support boy if he wanted coffee at the exact second he was typing his response? Am I going mad? ¿Dice usted ingles?

This is just a smattering of the daily frustrations that go into putting together a quality product like Joe-Mammy.com for you guys.

Don't grow up kids, it's all headaches, ulcers, mortgages and recedingng hairlines...

-Joe

Yeah, cute mug, ain't it? Who wouldn't love to see that on a daily basis? Maybe on a major network in prime time? Go with me on this; it'll be sweet.

Reality shows are so huge that they're flooding the market and reducing television to little more than glossy versions of peeping on your neighbors. It's in that spirit that I propose "Joe Mammy Rules You" the all-new captivating chapter in reality television. It'll be me and at the end of the series I get a million dollar prize. But in the meantime I'm treated like royalty and have a harem of aspiring model/actresses trying to vie for my attention (you see, if I marry one of them, when they divorce me they can walk away with up to half of my one million prize--maybe more if they get a good lawyer...) But wait, it gets better--in the meantime I get my novel published because I'm a celebrity and celebrities really don't have to write very well because they're famous and famous people have different rules. So, then All Things Right and Beautiful gets published and makes me even richer because it's just like Hillary Clinton's It Takes a Village without all that touchy-feely social commentary crap. Then the NEP goes quajillion platinum because I follow through on my promise to show my boob at the Superbowl (which helps motivate the Indianapolis Colts to win the game and give Tony Dungy that ring he deserves...)

Now here's the brilliance of it all. Once you're everywhere for a while and have made a buttload of money at the expense of the public, they either decide to deify you or hate you. If deified I promise to be so much less annoying than Madonna or Barbara Streisand that you'll wonder why you hadn't deified me sooner. And if you decide to hate me, I'll still be cashing the checks from all the "Best of the '00's" compilations and cheesy TV movies and feature film remakes of my work when I become kitschy and cool again. And I promise to go away and not try to convince you that I'm an artist or had bad management or used too many drugs or was the victim of unfair labeling. See, I'm a cultural dream come true. I reign supreme as long as you want and will happily go away when I'm done.

Just as long as that million dollar check clears the bank...
and those models show up...

-Joe

So, I've got this hair. Trust me, at my age I already appreciate the fact that it's there--I've already seen the deforestation of landing strips in waiting on a lot of my friends. But I got a lot of it. And it's as ornery as I am. I've learned to compensate for the most part, but there's one thing that still drives me nuts. No matter how I get it cut (aside from just buzzing it all, I suppose) within a week or so it looks like I'm sporting some serious mullet action in the back. God forbid I wear a ballcap because then it just looks like a puffy "action" mullet. Now you may or may not feel like you have a good impression of me at this point, but hopefully "mullet" is not something that springs to your mind when you sort through these pages.

So, I'm off to get another haircut in hopes of containing the mullet menace that seems to be incessantly descending the back of my head. Maybe this is my Vietnam--working towards containment when it really makes no difference. Maybe I should just buy a nylon mesh ballcap and a wife-beater and settle in for the inevitable. But what fun would that be?

In other "news" I've begun working on another writing project. It's shaping up to be another short story, maybe a little on the longish side this time. I haven't abandoned the "Amish Guy" thing I mentioned earlier, but this one is just in the process of interesting me, so it'll be easier to get done. It's about a guy who meets God--not in a thunder and lightening sort of way--God runs the corner grocery store down the block. Should be fun. Anyway, watch for the updated review list sometime this week and I'll probably cycle in a different new story at some point as well.

Ah, and before I forget, check this out:

dude... i just finished listening.... that was gorgeous! thank you soo much.. it is an excellent remix... i like it better than the original..lol... i'll be uploading it to www.ampcast.com/oddio and www.acidplanet.com/automate tonite or tomorrow.. thanks again...

-andrew

Yeah. Who's yer daddy now?
-Joe

Now, if you order within the next ten minutes not only will you get the NEP's remix of secondsminutes but we'll throw in--absolutely free of charge--the NEP's brand spankin' new remix of wrap your arms around me. Now if you were to go to a store and try to buy these two remixes you'd have to drop over ten kajillion dollars. But if you act now, you'll get the NEP's remix of both these wonderful Automate tracks absolutely free.

That's right. No money down, no shipping and handling, these are our gifts for you, just for trying Joe-Mammy.com. That's over a ten kajillion dollar savings from the retail price--just for trying Joe-Mammy.com.

Now I know you're asking yourself, "Can this deal be good enough to be true?" Well, I'm here to tell you, friends that not only can it be true, it is true. Just go ahead and download in the next ten minutes and not only will you get all the brilliant, insightful, entertaining and, let's face it, outright cool content that Joe-Mammy.com has to offer, but you'll be able to get these powerful and life-changing remixes absolutely free.

There are operaters standing by to take your call, so why don't you go to the phone and call right now?

-Joe

So, you know how I promised that all the world's ills would be fixed by this weekend? Yeah, that's probably not going to happen. Sorry guys, I'm sure you were all looking forward to a pain-free rest of your lives, but you'll have to wait a bit longer. I've gotten bogged down in some other work (more on that in a sec...) and our beloved Platypus Man is in Chi-Town for the weekend, so between the two of us, next to nothing will get done. I'd like to apologize to the fans, the Joe Mammy organization and my teammates for my behaviour...

On a happier note, while I have yet to finish a solid "finished" version of the secondsminutes remix, I have already (24 hours, baby... yeyeah!) finished a more or less completed version of Automate's gorgeous wrap your arms around me. If you poke around a bit (like on the right side of this screen, for instance...) you just may find a link to it.

Hellboy is out this weekend, too. Yea! The Prince and Me and Home on the Range are out this weekend, too. Not so yea. Ah well, tis the life I've earned, for better or worse. Keep kickin' it my lil' homies...
-Joe

'Sup chitlins?

Well, if you've been around a bit in the last day or so you've noticed no doubt your share freaky stuff on the Website of the Gods (c). Hopefully we've managed to undo whatever damage I inadvertently caused. In either case, I'm back, Blog's back, Site's up, Cyril's back (kinda) and everything is fluffy bunnies and rainbows again.

Anyway, I've got a little extra time this weekend, so hopefully I'll be able to resolve the freaks tech crap that's been keeping my expensive toys from working properly and I'll be able to post something that you kids'll dig. (I know, promises promises...) But I promise something will be up and done here--even if it is small and lame.

Other than that, April 5 is the Cards opener and of course I have to work *sigh* I don't get too worked up about many things, but I likes da baseball and I know it's 162 games long, but I kinda wanted to see the first one. Oh well, barring a sick day (which there have already been too many of) it ain't a-gonna happen.

Back at ya later with some actual stuff...
-Joe