Yeah, cute mug, ain't it? Who wouldn't love to see that on a daily basis? Maybe on a major network in prime time? Go with me on this; it'll be sweet.

Reality shows are so huge that they're flooding the market and reducing television to little more than glossy versions of peeping on your neighbors. It's in that spirit that I propose "Joe Mammy Rules You" the all-new captivating chapter in reality television. It'll be me and at the end of the series I get a million dollar prize. But in the meantime I'm treated like royalty and have a harem of aspiring model/actresses trying to vie for my attention (you see, if I marry one of them, when they divorce me they can walk away with up to half of my one million prize--maybe more if they get a good lawyer...) But wait, it gets better--in the meantime I get my novel published because I'm a celebrity and celebrities really don't have to write very well because they're famous and famous people have different rules. So, then All Things Right and Beautiful gets published and makes me even richer because it's just like Hillary Clinton's It Takes a Village without all that touchy-feely social commentary crap. Then the NEP goes quajillion platinum because I follow through on my promise to show my boob at the Superbowl (which helps motivate the Indianapolis Colts to win the game and give Tony Dungy that ring he deserves...)

Now here's the brilliance of it all. Once you're everywhere for a while and have made a buttload of money at the expense of the public, they either decide to deify you or hate you. If deified I promise to be so much less annoying than Madonna or Barbara Streisand that you'll wonder why you hadn't deified me sooner. And if you decide to hate me, I'll still be cashing the checks from all the "Best of the '00's" compilations and cheesy TV movies and feature film remakes of my work when I become kitschy and cool again. And I promise to go away and not try to convince you that I'm an artist or had bad management or used too many drugs or was the victim of unfair labeling. See, I'm a cultural dream come true. I reign supreme as long as you want and will happily go away when I'm done.

Just as long as that million dollar check clears the bank...
and those models show up...

-Joe